Foster Care Book: Chapter 9

Chapter 9 - Dysfunctional Family Types

There are any number of different reasons for families to be dysfunctional. As I indicated earlier, a very high percentage of foster children placements come from single mother families (if that can be called a family). More and more fathers are running away from the responsibility of their children and leaving the mother alone to raise the child or children. The question society must ask itself is:

Why do parents bear children they either do not want or cannot properly take care of?

I don’t think I’m capable of clinically defining the different types of dysfunctional families so instead, I will recount some of the various reasons why children are placed into foster care:

Abuse

There are any number of different abusive situations, as families become more and more abusive with each other. I will limit my comments to the abuse of children. The three most prevalent forms of child abuse are physical, sexual and emotional or psychological. The physical abuse frequently is detected by either the schools or doctors. The child may complain of any number of things that are annoying them. I have seen cases of horrible mutilation from cigarette burns over a good part of the body to broken bones and anything in between. Physical abuse may sometimes take the form of over zealous spankings (switches, belts, etc.). Frequently children who have been physically abused are extremely angry because they have no way of getting back at their abuser and must live with the pain without retaliation. They are also generally very, very angry. That anger frequently takes either of two directions:

1. Unreasonable reactions which may take the form of hysterics -- or --

2. ’Clamming up’ completely with responses to questions which are little more than grunts.

We have found that many times the children respond rapidly when they find that even when they do something the foster parents think is wrong, they do not receive physical punishment. They do know that their actions are not appropriate and readily see why punishment measures are needed. Most of the time it isn’t more than a week or two before we see a marked improvement in their behavior. They begin to do the stupid stuff that teenagers do but their anger subsides and/or they begin to ’come out of their shell’ and begin responding in more lucid ways. After another two to three weeks, they begin to show some affection toward the foster parents. At that time, the healing process can begin in earnest.

Sexual abuse is a somewhat more intensive problem to solve, especially with the girls, since they have been violated and humiliated and are more inclined to think that what has happened to them is normal. Many times the girls will flirt with the foster father and attempt to entice him into some sort of sexual tryst. I have found that a gentle, "That is inappropriate behavior" will tend to make the point although it may have to be made several times It is extremely important to show these girls that the proper physical attachment is OK (a hug, a kiss on the cheek, etc.). The worst thing a foster parent can do is to completely avoid all physical contact. Have you ever tried to show a child real affection without touching them? IMPOSSIBLE! I have tried it and not only the girls but the boys will go out of their way to hug you once you have bonded with them. I have seen clinical psychologists and staff members of group homes who frowned on a girl sitting on her foster dad’s lap. I relish it! The girls learn that not all men are out to hurt them sexually. They get a feeling of comfort and ease from a foster dad that they certainly have never had from their birth father. Of course, it may be a little different with me because I am old enough to be heir grandfather rather than their father. Of course, care must be taken at all times to be sure that there is not even any accidental touching of the girl’s body parts which would appear sexual. There is nothing wrong with hugging, lap sitting and a kiss on the cheek. As I was cruising through clip art looking for appropriate graphics for this book, I viewed thousands of pictures. I found many, many pictures showing girls and boys of various ages sitting on Mom’s lap. I found NO pictures of any girl over 5 or 6 sitting on Dad’s lap. Even the clip art has to be politically correct!

Runaways

Children who are runaways are sometimes the most difficult to understand because there is such a myriad of reasons why a child has chosen to run away from their home. Also, consideration must be taken to understand exactly why they were not returned to their family. The first thing the foster parent must do is to understand the reasons for the placement of a runaway child. Once that is confirmed, the runaways will probably fall into one of the other categories.

Abandonment

Abandonment of children is becoming more and more common. Since single mothers are the predominant family structure of children placed into foster care, the mothers are the ones carrying the blame for giving their children to society to take care of. Long before that, however, the father abandoned them. It is time our society began demanding birth fathers to, at least, take financial responsibility for their lust and lack of ’birth control.’ I think we should also start using the phrase CONCEPTION CONTROL rather than birth control. Once a birth starts its pretty difficult to control.

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