Foster Care Book: Chapter 23
Chapter 23 - Case studies
We have selected some of our placements to use as case studies. There are obviously many, many more. Each is different. Some are very sad, some are rather moving and some are just plain horrible but they all have one or more lessons connected with them.
CASE #1-- RUNAWAY
A fifteen year old girl from Wisconsin persuaded a couple to take her with them when they came to Virginia. The parents called the Wisconsin police and they put out an APB that the police in Virginia received. While traveling on a major highway in Virginia they ran into some vehicle trouble. The police officer who stopped and assisted them recognized the girl from the description in the APB and brought her to the police station. The police contacted her parents who said they would leave right away to pick her up. While waiting for them to arrive, she needed a place to stay so they brought her to us at midnight. She stayed three nights and two days before her parents arrived.
The first time we called her for dinner, after she was placed with us, her comment was, "Oh, your family eats together, ours never does." That was a dead giveaway as to the kind of family she had. She still writes to us, calls us on the phone and tries to come out to visit once a year. She has had several different physical problems that the doctors attribute to the rough sexual treatment by her uncle. The doctors told her she should not have children. She got pregnant by a live in boy friend. She was pregnant with twins.
They both died at birth. She then got married and got pregnant again. This time she gave birth to a premature 1 ½ pound boy. He had all sorts of physical problems mostly with his lungs. He is now two years old and is coming along fine. She divorced the father and, of course, he is not paying child support. She is very proud and is taking care of herself and her child with no support from her family and is not ’on the dole’ from the federal government. She does not even accept food stamps. We think the world of her. She has really matured and has certainly taken on a sense of responsibility. She loves to write poems and has given me permission to include her poems in this book. They are included as the Appendix. Some of them are really sad and will bring a tear to your eye. One can, however, read the progression toward recovery for this girl.
CASE #2-- SEXUAL ABUSE
A thirteen year old girl was placed with us. She was a cute little thing. The first thing we noticed was that she had head lice. We immediately went to the store and shampooed her hair before we did anything eke. She was very good about taking a shower every day and after we had gotten rid of the lice, she stayed clean. She had lived with her mother and grandmother. We are convinced her mother had not the foggiest idea who her father was. Her mother had been prostituting her daughter since she was nine years old. Finally the daughter told her mother she did not want to do that anymore and the mother threw her out of the house because she was no longer bringing in any income. She was also sexually molested by her uncle.
When she first came to us, the girl had some really atrocious habits. We took her to a very nice restaurant. She ordered steak. When it came, she immediately picked it tip in her fingers and began tearing pieces off like a wolf. Her instruction on table manners began immediately! She not only would lie about everything but she invented stories that had absolutely no basis of fact. She came home from school one day and told us she had met her twin sister in school. We checked into it and found that she had only one sister who was a half sister and was several years younger.
She lived on the streets for a year or so living mostly with older men. She was picked up by Social Services and again placed in a foster home. She was placed with a family who called me (I was the Chair of the VEFC board at the time) and said, "Get this girl out of here, she is coming on to my husband." She also went into that house with head lice. The woman provided day care for two other children. She was forced to go to the houses of the other kids and get rid of the lice. Not a good experience for a foster mother.
When the girl came to us the second time she had been on the streets for a full year. Her mother turned her over to Social Services telling them that she could no longer handle the child. She had no idea about boys. Every boy who even looked at her, she intended to marry. When she came to us the second time she was attending a nearby church. She had met a twenty-five year old man. She believed that he was going to marry her. I suspect that he enjoyed the attention because he would ask her to go out. We allowed him to take her to the movies once. Upon their return, we told him that as far as we were concerned the relationship was going nowhere. He had better find someone his own age or he might get himself into a great deal of trouble. That did it! She would ’come on’ to every boy she met. The two main problems she had were lying and boys. She would from time to time find some other devilment to get into, like the time she started a fire in the girls’ room of the school. We (and the school) tried desperately to determine the reason for the various strange activities she got herself into. Between us, the school and her treatment counselor, we were all stumped. All we know is that the kind of behavior seen in her is consistent with the kind of environment in which she was raised. That did not help us to determine the cause so that we could guide her.
She was placed with us several times (remember, VEFC only allows 21 days). We continued to show her as much love as possible and show her where she was going wrong but nothing seemed to be of any assistance in eliminating or reducing the incidents. She continually (for two years) said that she wanted to stay with us and go to college. We fell deeply in love with her. She called us Mom and Dad and introduced us that way to others. She also called our birth children brother and sister (which upset some of them). When I hugged her, she purred! She had joined the Police Explorers and said when she became a police officer she would arrest her mother and put her in jail. We were convinced she would be with us at least until she was eighteen. She came home from a visit with her mother one Saturday and informed us that she wanted to go back to live with her mother. It had not occurred to us that would ever happen. We (especially me) were devastated! We suspect that occurred because the mother was jealous of the close ties we and the foster child developed. We also suspect that the mother had figured out that we had gotten the girl straightened out and she would now have an easy time. Wrong!! The foster girl and Iliad become very close. We spent as much time together as possible and the feeling of love seemed to be two way although she never once, verbally, told me she loved me. She did write it in a letter, once or twice when she was in a group home. I have still not completely resolved the emotions of having had to contend with that. It still enters my head every once in a while that her mother may be prostituting her with her new step father.
Just recently she came to visit for an evening (she has visited twice since she left us). We had a fifteen year old boy as a foster child. Before she was with him for a ½ hour, she had already given him a picture of herself that said, "I love you" and her phone number. Apparently she still has a problem with boys!
We have learned, since, that she has moved out of her mother’s house and is spending a great deal of time with prostitutes and is involved with people who are dealers and users of drugs. Seems like a complete waste, doesn’t it? There are times when returning the child to the birth parents does not work even at the insistence of the courts!
LETTER WRITTEN BEFORE LEAVING FOR GROUP HOME
Dear Chuck (Best Dad I ever had)
You’ve been so great to me I don’t know how to repay you for what you have done for me since I’ve been at your house. I will never forget you as long as I live. I don’t want to leave but I know I have to so I will keep in touch with you. I can’t wait until I come back to keep in visit.
The best part about going down there is to get into the right grade and a better personality and making new friends and getting a new start all over again.
You know what? I hope I forget about my past and worry about my future. Well, see you later Dad. I love you with all my heart!
Your Daughter,
We, Social Services and the group home staff felt that a signed contract should be signed by the foster child and witnessed by a staff member at the group home. We had previously signed a contract with her that basically allayed her fears concerning whether we would keep her permanently. We, referred to the contract several times after she came back but, in general, she pretty well followed what she had agreed to.
The contract follows:
CONTRACT SIGNED BEFORE RETURNING FROM GROUP HOME
Since Marilyn and Chuck Slate (my permanent foster parents) have signed a contract with me, I feel it only fair to sign a reciprocal contract with them. The conditions of my contract follow:
1. I will obey the curfews set by my foster parents. Any deviation in plans, after I leave the home, will be confirmed with a telephone call before hand.
2. I will always make every effort to tell the truth no matter what the subject. I recognize that there are times when a small lie is socially correct.
3. I will strive to confide my feelings to my foster parents especially in times of stress so that we can discuss the problem and come to a mutually agreeable resolution.
4. I will not ever partake of tobacco, liquor or drug products while living with my foster
parents, either at home or when outside the home.
5. I will always complete my homework and studies in school and desperately strive to improve my grades. If I require assistance, I will ask my teachers or my foster parents for that help.
6. I will treat my peers and my foster parents with the respect they deserve. My foster mother, especially, deserves my respect.
7. 1 will do my best to improve my social skills (eating habits, ability to receive and give compliments, thank people for their kindness, etc.
8. I will do what I am told to do by my foster parents unless there is a mutual discussion in which everyone agrees to a change. I will never say NO to my foster parents when requested to do something. NO is a proper word to use, at times, when I am out with my peers, but not when I am at home.
9. My foster parents will be allowed to meet my friends before going out on social dates. This applies to both boys and girls.
10. I will be responsible for my own living quarters and my clothes. All must be kept clean and neat.
11. I will try my best to confide in my foster parents and believe that they are there to help me grow up, not to stifle my growth.
12. I will strive to reduce the number of times I go into my famous ’quiet zone.’ I understand that to ’clam up’ does not accomplish anything and generally makes matters worse because it tends to anger other people.
13. I will try my utmost to stop telling anyone outrageous lies which have no basis of fact.
14. I will admit my mistakes and take advice to assist me in attempting not to let it happen again.
15. I will happily perform any household or outside duties to which I am assigned.
16. I will limit my phone calls to no more than two fifteen minute call per twenty-four hour period.
17. I recognize that my foster parents have the right to amend (add or reduce) the list of items in this contract as the need arises.
I agree to the above conditions and therefore sign this document as a binding condition of remaining as a permanent foster child of Marilyn and Chuck Slate.
Signed ______________________
Date ________________________
Witness _____________________
Date __________________________
CASE #3 - STREET KID -
During the first several days when this fifteen year old boy was with us, he was polite, well mannered and was delighted with his accommodations (he has a room and bath of his own). We showed him our house rules when he came and asked if he saw anything he wanted to discuss or wanted to change. He said, "Oh no, everything is cool, no problems with any of them." Once the ’honeymoon’ period was over, the true child began to surface. He is still well mannered and polite when he is in someone else’s house but in his home it’s a different story. (This is not an unusual happenstance even with a birth child.) The child had raised himself (or his peers raised him) on the streets of Boston. We suspect most of his problems are because he has had no direction or discipline in his life. He knows who his father is but has never seen him. His mother never took much interest in him and is an alcoholic and a cocaine addict. She has given him up to Social Services. He says she emancipated him. The following are some of the symptoms of neglect and lack of upbringing.
He fights rules at every turn. We have strictly enforced the rules. That has caused a great deal of consternation. He disobeys without giving it a second thought. We have pulled him up short at each event and have doled out punishment (such as grounding, house arrest, etc.). He will not watch anything on TV that is not connected with violence or ’girls.’ We have counseled him frequently concerning his preoccupation with violence. No effect!
He has no respect for authority. All adults are stupid. We have shown him by example over and over again where he has been wrong and we were right. He got the message very slowly and I think finally began believing that he could learn something from adults.
He has one brother who was shot in a drive by shooting and another who is in jail for life for killing someone. He, himself was shot in the wrist.
He says he hates the police and the court system. Remember, he says he has been in jail more than once. We have tried getting him to sit in on our court watches to see what happens or to talk with the police. Absolute refusal! We finally ran into a problem that required police action: He and I were returning from lunch at a Taco Bell. As we were driving back toward home, he yelled, "Hey, there’s a guy in a sleeping bag lying along side the road!" I said, "Get out of here!" He said, "Turn around." We turned around and drove back by and sure enough there was a person in a sleeping bag along the roadway at noon! We drove to the police station and walked into the lobby. One of the patrolmen I knew from patrolling with the Community Watch was going out on patrol. I asked him to follow us, which he did. I think he was as surprised as we were at the body lying along the roadway. Anyway, he took care of the problem and we drove off. The kid said, "He’s a pretty nice guy!" He has since lost his condemnation of the police and seems comfortable with the fact that he actually was involved with an incident as a citizen.
He constantly tells you how tough he is and how much pain he can take. Yet he is afraid of any number of things such as: mice, needles, the dark, the quiet, war, etc. He will constantly ask, "How did I do? Didn’t I do good?" We have tried to tell him that it not only is annoying but he will always get the answer he is looking for instead of the truth.
Taking him out in public is an experience. He will approach people he has never seen before and tap them on the shoulder, yell across a room at someone, ask completely irrelevant questions of anyone, etc. He can be really embarrassing. If we call him on it, he accuses us of embarrassing him. We cannot count the number of times we have had to apologize to others for him.
He is an absolute glutton! We figure it takes about $l0O/wk. To keep him in junk food, but he will gorge on almost anything. He goes through a case of soft drinks in about two days. If we take him to a restaurant, he always has a very large meal and then finishes it off with two deserts.
It is normal for a teenage boy to eat a great deal but this kid exceeds anything we have ever seen. We think the eating is not because of hunger but more an emotional need.
He claims he cannot go to sleep before midnight and likes to stay up to see the sunrise. We have told him that going to bed at 8:00 PM and getting up at 6:00 AM would accomplish the same thing and provide a great deal more rest. He always leaves a light on all night and frequently plays rap music all night. No matter what we have tried, it has not worked.
He talks constantly. There seems to be no end to his conversation. It is impossible to watch a program on TV, if it does not contain violence because he will constantly talk loudly so you cannot hear. His table manners have improved but still have a long way to go. When he first came to us, he ate everything with his hands and never used a knife. We actually had to teach him how to use a knife or fork.
If he gets around other kids, he will go on at great length about how great the streets are, how he can lick three guys at once but five is a little too much. He delights in telling them how great it is to have no one tell you what to do. He went to church a few times but it got to the point where he stopped going. My wife would have to constantly be correcting him for foolish behavior, especially when the sermon was going on. He got thrown out of bible class for not paying attention and doing stupid things.
He is absolutely exasperating with his constant game playing. He says one thing and then immediately says, "Oh I was only kidding." Or he doesn’t say he is kidding and you take him seriously. Then when you attempt to correct him he says he was only kidding. He will hide and jump out at anyone trying to scare them. He jumped out at me one day and it scared me so bad, I reacted immediately and threw a magazine.
He claims he doesn’t lie or steal. His math instructor offered to take him paint ball shooting. He took a pair of Marilyn’s underwater goggles and got them covered in paint. His instructor asked him where he got them. He said "Oh, they’re mine." Which was, of course, a lie. When he got home and Marilyn yelled at him for taking them without permission he said he had only borrowed them and he was kidding with his instructor. We counseled him strongly that taking things without permission is stealing. That message sunk in. He understands what stealing is and has never, to our knowledge, done so again.
He feels that it is not breaking the law if he doesn’t get caught. That appears to be typical thinking for many kids who have come from dysfunctional families. He thinks rap music is about the only kind there is. We feel it is horrible. We cannot even call it music. He plays rap music all night. We have tried to expose him to other types of music since we like about everything except rock and rap. We even took him to see Nunsense - - boring!!
He has no idea how to act around girls his age. He has what he claims is a girl friend but if we had a girl friend who treated us the way she treats him, it would be bye-bye in a hurry. He hits on any girl he meets. One of our previous foster kids came to visit. Within a half hour he had a picture of her and her phone number (obviously it takes two to tango, so it was not all his fault).
He is somewhat of a hypochondriac; He worries about any little twinges and examines his body frequently for bumps, pimples and things that he thinks are not right. He asked for a complete physical. How many 15 year olds do you know who would ask for a complete physical including a blood test and we know he hates needles?
It is difficult to get through his head that designer clothes are very expensive and no better than cheaper brands, but "It’s the style." (That’s another thing I become tired of hearing.)
He is a huge martial arts aficionado and goes to karate class but cannot save a dime. We gave him a $l0/wk. allowance and told him he had to pay for his Karate lessons. He has spent every penny on gum, candy and other junk food and has no money to pay for Karate lessons and keeps asking, "How am I going to pay for Karate?" Our approach is - - Too Bad!
He, recently, has begun to get odd jobs around the neighborhood to pay for his Karate tournaments. He kept begging me for money to go to all these tournaments. If I had given in, guess what? A woman up the street from us whom he worked for gave him a $10 check. He apparently felt that wasn’t enough so he added a zero and the BANK CASHED IT!
We faithfully believe that he needed to be with an African-American family. We do not understand rap music (in fact we think it is atrocious and not music at all). We do not understand the necessity to watch MTV constantly (that is probably one of the worst channels for kids). We do not understand why it is necessary to watch fake violence (such as wrestling). We do not understand the constant need for titillation through violence or nearly naked women, etc.
He was suspended from school for a year for fighting. He has a problem mouth that will constantly get him into trouble. He thinks he is god’s gift to women (doesn’t matter the age). He thinks he is a great deal tougher than he really is and he will tell you constantly how good he is at everything. Putting all those things together will invariably create friction with peers.
I guess by now the picture should be fairly clear. After all that has been said, he desperately wants love and tries to hug us at every opportunity. He also wants a huge amount of praise as his asking, "How did I do?", indicates. He also tells us how much he loves us but in the next breath will tell us how tough we are and "This is not going to work." Yet, he tells everyone how much he enjoys staying with us. I keep telling Marilyn that we are constantly on his case about something. One would think he would hate us.
Since he gets very little sleep, we suspect he is under strain most of the time from lack of rest. He is a good kid at heart but has a great deal of trouble understanding how to interface with other people and how to gain recognition and praise. He has been doing very well in Home Bound schooling and we have congratulated him for that. We do not believe he is stretched enough in Home Bound schooling and has it really easy (which is not what he needs). He also is very polite most of the time, unless he is under stress, and has gotten compliments from us and others.
It is obvious to us that he is in desperate need of professional counseling and we suspect will be for many years. One of his biggest problems is that he constantly lies to himself. He tries to convince himself he is something different than he is and uses the normal teenage trick of guilt transference.
One evening, after telling him to be home at a particular time because both he and we had appointments, he arrived home over 1/2 hour late which made all of us late. He was arrogant and not the least sorry with no explanation. We sat him down and tried to get the point across one more time. He got angry stating that he had never had rules to follow before, grabbed a pair of scissors and raised them to attack me. I was ready to ’drop him’ when Marilyn intervened. She was so afraid that I would hurt him that she called the agency to have him removed from our home.
To end this dissertation, after all we have said in this case study, we liked him and spent a great deal of time and emotion on him to try to get him to see how to live. We think we have made some progress but it is hard for us to see progress because we are so close to him. As I told Marilyn, I think we have knocked the sharp edges off which may make it easier for the next people who get him. It is necessary to stay on him constantly to be sure he does not slip back. He is the biggest challenge we have had to date and only one of two children we have requested be taken out of our home!! This kind of thing always makes me feel I have failed!
CASE #4-- MENTAL ABUSE -
We received a sixteen year old boy from Social Services. We were told that he had never gotten into any trouble but was in foster care because his mother was completely dysfunctional. She did not want him. At one time she told him who his father was. He was allowed to visit the man because the man had been paying child support to his mother so they both assumed he was the father. The boy wanted so badly to have a father and a home that Social Services and the man agreed to a test to see if he was his father. The test proved negative. The boy had set his heart on the fact that this was his father and that he would be sent to college. He was extremely smart. He received straight A’s in school and was attending a Community College.
He was also a talented artist. There are still some of his pencil and pastel drawings in one of the shops downtown. One of his drawings was also used as a logo for the abused shelter in town. He also did some enhancement drawings for a newspaper column.
When he found out that the man was not his father, he was devastated. It looked to him as if all of his plans to go to college had been shattered! Social Services told him that there were scholarships available and there were government loans and special funding for foster children but that didn’t seem to make any difference. He wanted a permanent family!
He left us to go to another family. One night he had gone to his girl friend’s house and was returning home. He apparently was distraught over something that had happened between she and he. He wasn’t paying attention and pulled out of a side road into the path of another car and was killed. At the funeral, his mother stood up in front of over 100 people and cried and said how she loved him and had done the best she could. I felt like standing up and saying, "I object!" What a hypocrite! She always told him lie was no good, did not let him come to visit and was particularly obnoxious when it came to his welfare.
The following is a letter he typed on our computer. I suspect he just wanted to get it out of his system and did not intend to send it to anyone:
HOMESICKNESS
I have no true home, a different house with different people. I was told by the program’s director, foster homes in this area are usually for kids that are into trouble of some sort who were free to do as they pleased in their parent’s home. I was not one of these, so I had to fight to get out of the horror that was my home. Even with the cause of my horrible situation, my mother, I never stayed on one place for very long.
State to state, house to house, bad to worse, the same old story with a variable setting. What is a home? I certainly couldn’t answer then, and can only answer with uncertainty now. I was just baggage to my mother, but I was profitable baggage. I contributed to her cash flow through my father, who I had never met. A hyphen which linked "child to support" kept me chained to the tortuous woman I had called mom.
That money never actually supported me. It just helped keep my mother afloat and made me her second pay check. A wallet’s purpose is to hold money and you would not leave your wallet behind no matter how battered it was. In this case, the wallet was guaranteed to be filled at least once a month. Social Services was asking questions then, but the money was too valuable to her to stay in one place and wait for them to take me.
I didn’t know what a home was really supposed to be like then, but when I finally discovered what was wrong, I escaped through the combined efforts of social Services, my grandparents, and myself. Now the emotional scars may be fading, but I have only escaped into a situation in which I am baggage once again. My present and 5th consecutive foster "house", is the home of Chuck and Marilyn. I have only been here 3 days. I can draw it but I can’t call it a home. I’ve met my father, who I may be living with in the Spring, and various other "new relatives" my mother had kept from me.
I have a feeling things may change for the better, but for now I’m just baggage, and, (as in my picture), I’m in the dark as to where I’m going. Some of the people I’ve been with were great, but as in my drawing, those homes always have an imaginary sign placed on them that states that they are only temporary. The sign actually stands for Volunteer Emergency Families for Children, which is a service in which my case has become involved. So I’m still homesick for the home I’ve never had.
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