Foster Care Book: Chapter 22

Chapter 22 - Summary

In summary - - Even though I, earlier, emphasized flexibility and each child is different, there are several concepts and approaches that are absolutely essential with every child (and by the way, with most adults, as well):



Every Child Is Different

That statement should be no news to anyone, therefore working with averages, general trends or any other cliche’ is not going to hack it. Every child must be treated to fit their particular needs. To arbitrarily lay down rules which state things like this or that can never be done or this or that should always be done is silly and counter productive. As I said, we have had many placements and I believe we have handled every one of those kids differently.

I Had A Bad Childhood

Is used every day in court to justify breaking the law. The kids will also use it to their advantage because they hear the adults saying it. We cannot continue to accept that as being a valid excuse. Regardless of who taught the child to say that, every person no matter what their upbringing, has to accept responsibility for his/her own actions.

Stereotyping Should Be Avoided

Stay completely away from stereotyping children as LD, LDHD, hyper or whatever other clinical label can be placed upon them. First of all it lowers the self esteem of the child because they, themselves, believes it and their peers will make fun of them. It also makes the child believe that they are ’different’ and therefore either should be treated special or as an excuse for misbehaving (Oh, I can’t help it, it’s because of my low self esteem). The kids pick up on these clinical expressions and use them to their benefit. In spite of what most therapists (and perhaps other adults) believe, teenagers are not stupid. In fact, they have told me many times that the adults are the stupid ones. Sometimes I think that’s true because we treat the older teens as if they are still children. They are NOT! They sometimes tell us they are ’pre-adults.’ We should consider treating them more like adults and let them grow, if the child can handle it. Many foster children cannot.

Never Lie To Children

They have been lied to by adults most of their natural life. It is necessary to impress upon them that not all adults are liars. Some not only tell the truth but demand that the children also do so. The truth, lately, is not always popular -- but it is right! As I have said many times, "A liar needs a perfect memory so that he/she can remember what lie was told to what person, when and under what circumstances." There are also subjects, when told, can hurt a child. Just one for instance - - A child is up for adoption and a family thinks they might want him/her. The social worker tells the child about the family. Of course the kid is all excited and annoys the social worker about when he can go to visit. The prospective father is diagnosed with incurable cancer and the adoption process is stopped (for obvious reasons). The child is now devastated! Wouldn’t it have been much better to not tell the kid until all was in place for visits to begin and the adoption work completed before telling the child?

Always Do What You Say You Will

Most of the children have been brought up expecting that the adults will tell them one thing and do another. They make plans to take the kids somewhere and then at the last minute ’something comes up.’ If you promise the children something, it should take a world crisis to keep you from doing it.

Caring

Is the last and most important absolute and applies to all children no matter what age. It is of the utmost importance to show (and tell) the child in every way you can that you care! It is also nice to say that we need to love every child. That is an admirable goal. We have had some children who we just could not bring ourselves to love. They were acutely aware that we cared about them or we would not have kept them in our home and tended them. The number of children which we could not love are in a very small minority. Once in a while, though, we get one assigned to you that when they leave, your immediate comment is: "Boy, I’m glad that’s over!"

Social Services constantly tells us we are one of the best foster parent homes they have and they are constantly (good naturedly) arguing over which case worker can use us next. All of the placements we have had except for perhaps two or three have desperately wanted to stay with us when it is time for them to move on. WE MUST BE DOING SOMETHING RIGHT!

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