Foster Care Book: Chapter 19

Chapter 19 - What is Affection?

Foster care frequently has any number of so called confidentiality issues. Take this example: (as a foster dad, think of what reaction you would take). You have taken a cute little well built girl of 16 into your home. She has shown no signs of anything but affection for you and your family. One evening, you are watching a wholesome family show (which are very difficult to find on TV). The foster girl comes flying across the room and plops herself on your lap, puts her arms around your neck and tells you she loves you.

How do you respond? It’s one of those situations that you may find yourself in with your spouse from time to time - - no matter what you do, it’s going to be wrong! Do you just sit there as a lump hoping she will eventually become tired and leave? Do you return her affection? Do you stumble around your tongue mumbling something about not being acceptable on her part? Do you get angry and tell her off? What can you do? When we are going to have a female placement, I try to read her as far as sexuality is concerned as soon as possible.

To this point (after about 25 or so) girl placements, I have always returned the affection. A hug and telling the kid you love her is not only good for her, its good for you. It keeps you young and allows you to remember how much of a treat it was when your own birth daughter hugged you and showed you affection. It’s natural and it makes both of you bind more deeply as a family (which after all is one of the goals of a foster family). How in the world can you push a person away who is showing genuine affection? One word of caution, however. Try to never allow that kind of thing without a witness and be very careful with your hands in any case. Young girls may take an innocent touch as something far more sensual than you, at your age, ever intend. The point is - - - foster parents cannot and should not let the scare mongers create an environment that is neither good for the kid nor the foster parents. Act as a family and forget the scare tactics.

I also really enjoyed ’horse play’ with the kids. That’s the way my family always acted, its part of our family life. If we really believe what we say that we want the kids to become a part of our family, then we had better act like a family. My spouse is always saying things like, "You’ll break something." or "Act your age." She does the same thing when I play with my grandchildren.

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