Foster Care Book: Chapter 15
Chapter 15 - Foster Child Baggage
Here is a list of some of the things with which the foster child must contend:
· Foster Child - Just because the child has been placed into foster care is a stigma they have to live with amongst their peers.
· Anger - All foster children have anger that manifests itself in one form or another. They are angry because they have been taken out of their environment that they have lived with since birth. Remember these kids think a dysfunctional family is normal.
· Thrust Into a New Environment - They are in a position where they have to live in a new environment with people they have never known.
· Un-Learning - They have a great deal to ’unlearn.’ Unlearning a negative direction is a great deal harder than being taught the correct direction from birth.
· Recognition of Their Situation - It is necessary for them to recognize what has happened to them (and admit it). This is an extremely difficult task even for adults.
· School - It is necessary for them to keep up their school work and understand why an education is essential. Frequently they are placed in ’Home Bound’ schooling that is a real farce! It cannot be considered schooling at all, in my judgment.
· Therapy - It may be necessary for them to be in therapy that, in itself, carries another huge amount of baggage.
That is just a partial list of high level subjects that foster children must endure. There are a great many lower level details underlying each of these, as follows:
Foster Child
Simply the fact that a child is placed into foster care will create added tension. Their peers in school and on the streets may look down on them and make all kinds of unnecessary and nasty remarks concerning the fact that they are foster children. Being in foster care, apparently, is still not accepted in many of the kid’s circles in society even though it is becoming more and more the norm. Children can be extremely cruel and any deviation from the ’norm (whatever that is) will cause kids to be ’picked on.’ That is just one more ignominy with which a foster child has to contend. There may also be a stigma in the minds of school teachers as far as foster children are concerned (although I certainly hope not). People have to understand that a kid is not in foster care because he/she wanted it and probably whatever the reason, it was not the kid’s fault. Also, every kid we have had desperately wants a permanent home with siblings and two parents (they state that over and over). They know that a foster home no matter how great it is will probably not be permanent.
Anger
Most foster children are angry and even more confused than most teenagers because they have been uprooted from their home for whatever reason and are angry at the world for making that happen. The anger can have many different faces from outright physical rage to complete shut down and anything in between. Their anger can be directed at anyone but generally it is first directed at the case worker and then at the foster parents. The children cannot understand that both of these entities are doing their best to help. That is not of prime importance in the mind of the child and probably never enters their thoughts. The first hurdle the foster parents have to get over is to convince the child they have no reason to fear the foster parents. The foster parents are simply surrogate parents (or grandparents in our case). Generally this hurdle can be overcome but we have cases where we have not succeeded. The foster child just had so much anger they continually acted out their anger with violent physical responses such as throwing things, beating on wails, etc. Thank goodness, we have had only one child attempt to physically attack a person but we are always aware that is possible. We have tried desperately not to ask the placing agency to remove any child from our home, for cause. We feel that does more harm than good. We did have to request removal in one case because we insisted upon a child following the rules and he violently resisted.
Birth Parents Are Never Forgotten
It has been our experience that even though the child was treated very badly, the kids always want to return home no matter how bad that might be for them. There is something about the tie to a birth parent(s) that is so strong that a child could die at the hands of their parents and still feel a strong attachment. We have had children who have been beaten by their parents, sexually molested by their parents (or some other family member), taken drugs with their parents, smoked with their parents, etc. (You can fill in the, etc.). The abuse may take any of several disgusting forms. We have had children who have been with us four or five different times who have voiced the opinion that they hate their parents and love us. Yet, these same kids have wanted to return to the horrible life they originally led at the first opportunity. It is difficult to understand. We suspect that they do not really hate their parents, they just hate what they do. Do we make a difference in the kids lives? We like to think that we give the kids enough direction, the ability to differentiate right from wrong and enough self discipline so that they are strong enough to resist when they return home. We also suspect that the kids return to the submissive attitude in a short time. It is really difficult to return to a terrible home environment and resist forever sliding back into what they think makes life easier. (If I do what mom tells me instead of resisting, it makes life easier.)
Thrust Into a New Environment
The child has just been removed (or thrown out) from the only environment lie/she has known since birth. They are now being placed into a home that is different and they must learn the new parents and what they expect. Just learning the layout of the new home and understanding such things as: What areas are off limits, where is the food, how much can I have, when can I have it, when is bedtime and why, what’s my new room like, what can I watch on TV and when can I watch it, etc.? For those of you who travel either on business or on vacation, you know that there is always a period of adjustment. For most of us who are seasoned, the period is comparatively short. Think of your first trip by yourself. Getting to the airport, flying for the first time, getting from the airport to the hotel, finding everything in the hotel, getting to your first meeting, meeting people you have never seen before, etc. Now just think of a young child who may never have been away from home before. He/she is meeting new adults for the first time (social worker, foster parents, therapists, new teachers, etc.), living in a new room, perhaps being a single child when used to other siblings, meeting the family of the foster parents, and most important - - "Will I be accepted by the foster parents and their family?" The most tragic blow is leaving everything and everyone I have ever known. These things are not necessarily in the front of the children’s minds but they are all things that must be endured in one way or another.
Un-Learning
This may be the most difficult thing which a foster parent must accomplish. How does one go about getting the point across that what the child has been taught from birth by the birth parent(s) is mostly the wrong approach, without further destroying the child’s self confidence? Add to that the fact that most teenagers believe they are expert on any subject and you have a volatile situation - - in spades! A large consideration on how to approach this is the age and the attitude of the child. Generally, the older children have a ’chip on their shoulder.’ We have found that regardless of the effect on the ego of the child, it is necessary to ’knock them down a peg or two’ before any type of therapy can begin. I stated the following, to one 15 year old boy that we had: "You are one person in this household, we are among the thousands in this town, the people in this town are among the hundreds of thousands in the state, the people in the state are among the millions in the country, the people in the country are among the billions on earth, the earth is a member of our galaxy, there are millions of galaxies in the universe, therefore you, as one individual, are a very small pimple on the seat of progress. Whenever you get too big for your britches think about that. How big are your problems compared to the size of the universe?" It also means extremely strong discipline is necessary.
© Chuck Slate
California
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