Foster Care Book: Chapter 12
Chapter 12 - Settling In
The settling in phase occurs after the children have finally determined the boundaries of behavior and have, for the most part, accepted the inevitable. They, then, must determine if the boundaries are at all flexible. During the testing phase, things seemed to be rather rigid but maybe there is some leeway after all. The settling in phase is what I call the re-test phase. I pretty much know what’s expected and what is not but I keep coming up with different things I want to try. Since I haven’t tried this one during the testing phase, I better get it out of the way, now. Once the re-testing is fairly well complete and we all feel fairly compatible with each other, this phase ends.
This phase is the ultimate goal phase for the foster parents. The kids are satisfied with all the boundaries, the rules of the house, what attitudes are acceptable, etc. Now the whole family can begin to act like a family who respects, loves and cares for each other. There is a great deal of hugging which goes on in this phase and generally many "I love you’s." Hopefully this phase will continue until the end of the placement but it is not inconceivable that the relationship may revert back and forth between this phase and any of the others. Much of the stability depends upon the intelligence and desire of the foster child. Once the child realizes that even if their behavior is not acceptable from time to time that does not mean that the foster parents think the child is bad. We have said over and over to foster children, "We do not dislike you. We dislike what you do." That is a very important concept that the children must learn. The chances are that the environment they came from did not teach them that distinction. In fact, their past environment may have taught them that they, as a human being, were bad. That’s where the "low self esteem" phrase comes from. We, as adults, often are unable to recognize and accept the difference.
These phases almost always run into each other and they are not as specific and clear cut as I have defined them. It also is important to remember that the children are not aware of what is going on and therefore cannot distinguish the different phases. This should give you, as a foster parent, an advantage.
Next Chapter
© Chuck Slate
