Foster Care Book: Chapter 11

Chapter 11 - Pitfalls

The foster parents must be particularly vigilant about not getting into lengthy discussions concerning ’whose fault it is.’ The child will invariably try to transfer the blame to the foster parent. Guilt transference is also not reserved for children. Many ’grownups’ also use the guilt transference technique to avoid admitting guilt We have some very recent events that prove that.

I have found that their memory is excellent when it comes to remembering any little thing the foster parent did which was not to the kid’s liking. They are extremely forgetful when it comes to following the rules and accepting responsibility. Be sure to keep the conversation ’on track.’ Do not let them deflect you when they say things like, "You did it too." My answer is generally something like, "At the moment, we are discussing your actions. We can discuss mine at a later time."

You will also get kids who will try to yank your chain at any opportunity. They say things to me like, "You don’t understand teenagers because you are old." I generally respond by saying, "Yes, I am old but remember, I was a teenager once. I have raised four teenagers of my own and am now in the process of trying to raise you who are one of many foster children. I believe that I have developed the credentials and experience to understand what raising a teenager is all about."

I have found that if you agree with them immediately that you are not perfect, an argument will not start because you have immediately exhausted all their ammunition. I am also extremely tired of the phrase "You would not treat me this way if I wasn’t black!" I have learned to say, "That’s right!" It defuses the confrontation, takes away all their ammunition and they now know that you know they are just yanking your chain.

It also necessary to be on your toes about remembering things because you may slip and say something like, "That’s the third time you have done that after I told you not to do so" a mistake because the immediate response will be, "When were the other times?" You are now immediately on the defensive. As a foster parent (or even with your own children) you cannot make your point if you are on the defensive. When I hear comments like: "I always lose!" or "You are always right!" I know I’m on solid ground.

That does not mean, however, that you never admit when you are wrong. Always admit that if it turns out to be true. Also, it doesn’t hurt to apologize, when necessary. This testing phase may go on for what seems like a terribly lengthy period of time.

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